The first date. Need i say more? Those three little words can instantly flood us with adrenaline (the scary kind), as a montage of nightmarish first date scenarios spin through our mind. “Put yourself out there,” they say. “Stay open,” they say. “Give him a chance,” they say. But they, are not the ones who have to actually sit, awkwardly, across from a stranger, eating, chatting, and praying that you eventually find something to talk about that allows the both of you to ignore the fact that you don’t really like each other. Unfortunately, all the theys of the world are right. Because the only antidote to singledom, is getting to know someone. So you’re going to have to open up and go for it. Here’s how and why to make it work on a first date, even when you feel like it ain’t really working.
Practice Makes Perfect
So, this may not be Mr. Right., but Mr. Weird-Dude-I’m-Forced-T0-Eat Dinner-With can really sharpen your people skills. Because you’re not immediately interested, the lowered stakes become the ideal time to practice the fine art of conversation. We all know one of those magically charismatic people that can literally talk to anyone. This is your chance to be that person. Keep the focus on them. Ask about them, and authentically seek what you’re interested in learning about. People respond remarkably to pure presence. So practice it. It’ll serve you when it’s time to sparkle in front of Mr. Right.
He Might Have A Hot Friend
Couples have been brought together in a myriad of magically unpredictable ways. This guy you’re dining with may not be the one, but he could know the one. Relate to every first date as a potential new friend, a simple blossoming of your social circle. This will lower the stakes and help the two of you to relate to one another more naturally. If you’re not feeling it by the end of the night, don’t be afraid to be honest. It’s okay to say, “I had a really great time tonight, but I’m feeling more of a friend-vibe here.” If the friendly feeling is mutual, you’ve just made yourself a new buddy. And down the line, this new friend may just have a friend to set you up with (as friends often do).
The World Is Your Oyster (Especially When It’s Awkward)
Everyone we meet has something to offer. The reason we don’t often feel that way is because we’re quick to judge, but judgment is just a reaction to fear. When we’re in the presence of something different than us, we have a tendency to judge it in an attempt to protect our sense of self. By pointing out how we’re not like that person, we are able to guard ourselves from this unpredictable thing, this thing that threatens who we are. It’s a very human trait and the precautionary card we often choose to play in the game of love. But if we can open up, just a little bit, we’ll quickly see that the world’s diversity offers a depth of beauty that not only invigorates our own perceptions, but can actually sharpen our sense of self. Being on a first date is an opportunity for intimacy—even it’s not the forever kind. It gives us a glimpse into someone else’s world and its specific complexities. We may not necessarily want to make out with them, but we can allow the conversations to expand us. The world, and every moment in it, is an opportunity for growth. So try and see it that way–even when it’s packaged a little differently than expected.
Be Whomever You Want
It’s so rare in life that we get a fresh start, so often we’re running around in our usual social circles, dragging around all our old stories and our fixed personality. A first date is an opportunity to reinvent yourself. To see yourself in a fresh new light. You may never see this person again, and that can be wonderfully liberating. Flirt, make jokes, tell stories, be bolder, laugh louder, and share who you really are and what really moves you. Perhaps the only love connection you’ll make is with yourself, but that, too, can be a wonderful discovery.
Play The Question Game
As adults, we have this remarkable way of sucking the joy out of everything we do. Dating isn’t supposed to be another notch on your to-do list. It’s not a reaction to how lonely you are, or all the horrible lovers that have crossed your path in the past. It’s a new moment, and it’s supposed to be fun. So, have fun! Even if you’re not necessarily feeling sparks, you do have the power to bring some playful spontaneity to this meeting. All you’ll ever need for that is The Question Game. Here’s how it works: You’re allowed to ask any daring question you want, as long as you have the cojones to answer it first. It’s kind of like an adult version of Truth or Dare–without the Dare (unless into that). Warning: sparks may fly against your will.
You Never Know Till You Know
Life is unfortunately not a romantic comedy. The bad news is, you usually don’t fall in love at first sight (that’s called something else). The good news is, you usually don’t fall in love at first sight–which means there’s hope. Just because the sparks aren’t flying on date one, doesn’t mean they won’t. First impressions can often be misleading: First dates, especially, are fueled with nerves, keeping us from being our true selves. If it’s true for you, it’s probably true for them. It takes a while to really get to know someone, so give this rocky ride the benefit of the doubt. You both deserve it.
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