In Honor of National Hamburger Day, a Lifelong Vegetarian Rates Burgers—From Pictures Alone

You guys, it's National Hamburger Day! What is that, exactly? Well, I'm not sure. I'm pretty sure it just means that it's an excuse to eat hamburgers at every meal, which should be music to Americans' ears.
Now time for the full disclosure: I've never eaten a hamburger. In fact, I've never eaten meat period, save for that one traumatic day in preschool when my teacher didn't understand what vegetarianism was and force-fed me a cube of pork. But whatever, I'm not traumatized by it at all so don't feel bad for sending me to that preschool Mom and Dad!
Anyways, just because I have been a vegetarian since (literal) day one doesn't mean I don't like to participate in all the fun of meat eaters. And today, that means jumping on the National Hamburger Day bandwagon! I'm going to review the nation's most famous burgers, but since My Body Is a Temple I will not be taste-testing them...I'll be sight-testing. That means I'm going to give you an expert opinion of everything from the Big Mac to the Whopper, using only my eyes. Hold on, because it's going to be a wild ride.

I have to be honest, my first thought at this burger was wondering how it's physically possible to take a bite out of it. Lots of ingredients: Good. Having to dislocate your jaw just to enjoy said ingredients: bad. I like the crispy pickles and lettuce, but I'm a bit alarmed by the fact that the patty is completely obscured. What are you trying to hide, Five Guys?!

Well this is the most frighteningly photoshopped hamburger I've ever seen. There's not even a sesame seed out of place. It's the food version of a Cosmo cover. I will say that as a seriously carb proponent I can get behind the addition of a third bun. Although I have to imagine that in practice there's no way this sandwich can remain so...puffy. I think if they replaced half of those layers with more cheese I'd be on board. Metaphorically speaking, of course.

Okay so this isn't actually a hamburger, but I didn't realize that until it was too late. #VeggieProbs, amirite? Regardless, this looks whack. I'm not trying to eat nacho cheese on anything but nachos, and I think that meat might actually be yoga blankets? Get this sandwich together with Subway and you've got yourself a full namaste situation.

Huh. Just...huh. The bacon looks good...all crispy-like, which seems like the best way to eat it. The patty...does not. And can a girl get some more cheese? This isn't a salad for goodness sakes. The bun on the other hand...me likey.

As a Los Angeles resident I am obligated to say that this looks delicious and it is clearly the best hamburger in the country. That is all.

I think this Whataburger has to take the (beef)cake. I'm seeing a whole lot of colors and flavors going on and I like it. To quote the revered Joey Tribbiani, "Meat? Good. Lettuce? Good. Tomato? Good. Cheese? Goooood."