The Grammy Awards: A giant concert where they will maybe, sometimes actually hand out an award. And this year's Grammys did not disappoint: Let's be honest, anyone performing at the Grammys is going to be good. So even the last place person here had a good performance.
With that said, here are all of tonight's performances, ranked:
18. Metallica & Lang Lang, "One": Cool guitars, guys. But why do we feel like you're mad at us?
17. Hunter Hayes, "Invisible": Premiering a new song at the Grammys is bold (bonus points for bravery), but it also puts you at risk of being forgotten. Taylor Swift can't even sing along in the crowd, for Grammy's sake.
16. Lorde, "Royals":
Lorde sounded...hmm. Let's start over: Lorde has sounded better. And nothing really happened, aside from some crying gargoyles and a giant spotlight. But we're always entertained by Lorde's hand dancing. So there's that.
15. Keith Urban & Gary Clark, Jr., "Cop Car": It was good singers singing. Isn't that what "The Biggest Night in Music" is about?
14. Sara Bareilles & Carol King, "Brave" & "Beautiful": This is officially our favorite dueling piano bar! The songs mixed well and the performance was very, very cute. But by this point in the show we were fatigued with people sitting at a piano. We get it.
13. Taylor Swift, "All Too Well":
Another person sitting at a piano. But Taylor looked pretty and sounded pretty and we LOVED all that HAIR WHIPPING. Like girl, was that a seizure?! Has anyone checked her for whiplash?! We love angry Taylor, we just wish Jake Gyllenhaal had been in the audience for cutaways.
12. Nine Inch Nails, Queens Of The Stone Age, Dave Grohl, & Lindsey Buckingham, Medley: This is how you do rock ‘n roll. Take note, Metallica.
11. Willie Nelson, Kris Kristofferson, Merle Haggard & Blake Shelton, Medley: This was maybe the most country thing that has ever happened on TV or anywhere, ever. And we were into it.
10. John Legend, "All of Me":
Any time that John Legend sings, we like to pretend that he is serenading us. Which made the fact that wife Chrissy Teigen was spotlighted the whole performance a bit problematic. Lucky girl. So are we absolutely crazy for wishing she had just been laying on the piano instead?
9. Katy Perry & Juicy J, "Dark Horse":
Finally! The theme of the night was apparently "simple," but Katy was like, "Nah. Not for me." She had a literal dark horse thing on stage, which was whatever. And Juicy J should have never been on this song in the first place. But at least we were distracted by Katy pole dancing on a witch's broom stripper pole. And then there was twerking (well, kinda. Hey Katy, let's talk).
8. Kacey Musgraves, "Follow Your Arrow":
We want those neon cactuses. We want those light-up boots. We want that cute dress. And we love that adorable song. 2014 will be the year of Kacey Musgraves and you can hold us to that.
7. Sir Paul McCartney & Ringo Starr, "Queenie Eye":
It's the f--king Beatles, dude. Well, half of ‘em. And that's good enough for us.
6. Robin Thicke & Chicago, Medley featuring "Blurred Lines":
The big band. The tuxes. This was classic, in the best sense. It was also a much needed reminder that Robin Thicke doesn't need to be controversial or twerked upon to deliver a good show. We actually liked it better before "Blurred Lines" too (that song...again), but at least everyone kept their clothes on this time?
5. Pink & Nate Reuss from fun., "Try" & "Just Give Me a Reason":
The whole acrobat thing is an old trick for Pink, but IT'S AMAZING EVERY SINGLE TIME. Pink could show up and do her ribbon twirling every year and we would be happy, especially because she sounds amazing while she's doing it (take note: everyone sitting at a piano). How is that woman so strong?! Plus, Nate Ruess has a beautiful voice, so that part was nice, too.
4. Imagine Dragons & Kendrick Lamar, "Radioactive" & "M.A.A.D. City":
What a dope mashup! It was something new. Something exciting. We loved it. Everyone loved it. Taylor Swift. Beyoncé. Even Lorde was rocking out! LORDE. WAS. DANCING. Plus those lights were crazy cool (assuming you're not prone to strokes).
3. Daft Punk, Pharrell & Stevie Wonder, "Get Lucky":
If you were going to dance at any point in the evening, it was here. And we did. Oh, we danced.
2. Macklemore & Ryan Lewis, Mary Lambert & Madonna, "Same Love":
The feels. THE FEELS.
1. Beyoncé & JAY Z, "Drunk in Love":
Um, has anything sexier happened ever? So sexy! So wet! Surfboart (#SURFBOART). Mrs. Carter killed it tonight (all that booty shaking? Yes, please) and it only got better when HOV came out.
We would watch these two watch paint dry. Thankfully, they dirty grinded instead.
Any questions?
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