It’s Valentine’s Day week; that one week of the year filled with every romantic expectation in the world, and in spite of all of its best intentions, it can leave us feeling further away from the love we are seeking in the first place. This projection of perfect love, this “happily ever after fantasy” that currently pervades our culture, often leaves us feeling unable to appreciate the love that’s there right within our reach. So, what does true love look like? And how do we actually sustain it? Anyone that’s been in a long-term love knows that real love is not an effortless magical thing that just falls from the sky. Real love is a daily, active ritual of stepping towards your partner, regardless of the way you feel. To help keep your sparks flying high this Valentine’s Day, I’ve rounded up the five golden rules for maintaining everlasting love.
1.Choose to be happy rather than right
According to our two favorite love birds, Steve and Marjorie Harvey, one of their best kept secrets is that they’d “rather be happy than right.” In the midst of your next conflict, ask yourself whether if it’s more important for you to bulldoze through the harmony for the sake of proving a point, or could you, in fact, wave the flag of surrender for the greater good of the dynamic. Choose happiness.
2. Talk, talk, and talk some more
The fastest way to corrode love is to hold onto resentment. These little betrayals can quickly add up and eventually the gap between you and yours seems insurmountable. Conflict is inevitable, but it’s not to be feared or judged. It can actually be the fuel for greater passion and a deeper understanding of one another. Often, we shut down because we can’t imagine saying the things we truly feel and admitting to weaknesses we’ve never spoken out loud, but this is where the true gift of intimacy lies. Intimacy creates the space to be a humble student of life and love. It allows you to break apart your own understanding of yourself in the healing presence of another– to grow and to expand into a fuller version of yourself who is capable of more love than you’d ever imagined. A courageous, vulnerable heart is the greatest source of renewal. When everything inside of you would rather close up, this is when you must step into love. Keep talking.
3. Get naked
When it comes to our significant others, even our best attempts at communication can at times get overwhelmingly muddied–and that may be the reason God invented sex. Not only is it an incredible bonding agent, but sometimes it can be the very last thing the two of you still have in common. When all else fails, it’s time to speak the language of love: S-E-X. It may sound like the last thing you want to do when you’re feeling distant and disconnected, but the physical act of love can actually make room for the heart to follow. If you need to ease your way back, consider just a small commitment, like taking a bath together, or lying face to face for a few minutes each night. These steps may be simple, but they are transformative. Think twice before you roll over to your own side of the bed.
4. Fall in love with yourself
Nothing, and we mean nothing, is more attractive to another human being than confidence. Everyone in the world is looking for a radiant, happy person that’s connected to themselves in a deep and grounded way. According to a recent Ted Talk with relationship therapist Esther Perel, desire in long-term relationships can only be sustained with space. In the same way that fire needs air, desire needs space. Cultivating space consequently means you grow allure and mystery, the very components that are crucial to desire. By nurturing your individual personal lives, you are successfully contributing to that brilliant space where desire can once again live. When your beloved sees you shine, in your own light, doing your own thing, they have the opportunity to see you anew. The desire to bridge the gap between them and your newfound radiance has once again been unleashed. Fall in love with yourself and the rest will follow.
5. Fall in love all over again
One of the most exciting components of new love is the excitement of the unknown, the chase, the mystery, and the insatiable curiosity. In a long term relationship, we often assume we know everything there is to know. We take for granted that our partner is a living, breathing, evolving being with new hopes, new dreams, and a world of expanding interests. In a recent New York Times article, “To Fall In Love With Anyone Do This,“ a group of researchers formulated a series of questions that was proven to make any two strangers fall in love. Perhaps it’s time to take the plunge once more and fall in love all over again with these 36 questions.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
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