How To Keep the Flame A-Glow In A Long-Term Love

You’ve seen each other naked from every angle possible. In fact, you’ve probably seen each other naked from angles you wish you’d never known about. Anybody that has survived the early lust-fueled years and is still chugging along into the wild wilderness of the terrain known as true love (peaks and valleys included) is well aware that the gift of intimacy comes from really workin’ at it.
Many of us in long-term relationships lovingly refer to our partners as our “best friends,” our “rocks,” and our “better halves.” But whatever happened to our hot lovers? Is it possible to keep that first spark of passion alive, that inexhaustible bodily attraction that drove us into their arms in the first place? Yes, but we’re going to have to work at that too. Here’s how…

NURTURE SPACE AS MUCH AS TOGETHERNESS

According to a recent Ted Talk with relationship therapist Esther Perel, desire in long-term relationships can only be sustained with space. In the same way that fire needs air in order to burn, desire needs space. Cultivating space means growing allure and mystery, the very components that are crucial to desire. When you’re living on top of each other, space can be a rare commodity, but consider setting the intention to reinvest in your separate space as way of  actually drawing each other closer. Consider taking a vacation with your girlfriends, or encourage a guy’s night out. Or, design separate spaces, like a bathroom that’s your private spa sanctuary, or a pseudo man cave that’s only his.  When we give our lovers the space to connect to their own individuality, it allows for that first sexy crystallization of desire, that first spark of longing that comes from that sweet thought, “I wonder what my honey’s up to?”
 REMEMBER THAT YOU’RE LOVERS FIRST AND FOREMOST

When we become intimate, we begin to relate to each other in many different dynamics. We become each other’s best friends, roommates, at times we mother, and at other times we even counsel like a therapist might. Although these many forms of relating to one another are intricate threads to your love, not all of these threads sow sex. Reconnecting with sexual desire is dependent on untangling all these threads and becoming conscious that you are acting as a lover first and foremost. If the relationship has tipped too far in any one direction, such as over-mothering, or even counseling, you may be appreciated, but not necessarily desired.
 CONNECT WITH YOUR INNER QUEENDOM

All work and no play makes for no nookie! As we move through adult life, filled with errands and to-do lists, we forget to connect to that deeper radiance, that youthful joy. What does that mean? Well, it’s your basic inner sense of vitality. Remember those early sparks when the two of you first fell in love, as much as it was the joy of coming together, it was actually your spark, your zest for life being lit by the prospect of a new love. When things start to dull, we often begin to focus outwardly, finding blame in our partner, feeling disappointed that our love prospect “isn’t doing it for us anymore.” That’s the way most of us are wired. But if in those moments of frustration, you turn your energy inward and begin to cultivate your own inner-light, you can actually begin to draw your old love to you, like a moth to a flame. Get your glow on: Take long baths with candles, get massages, pamper yourself ,and connect to the grace and force of your own femininity.
GET IN YOUR BODY

If you’re looking to increase the physical pleasure in your relationship, make sure you’re a well-oiled machine. Working out not only boosts personal confidence (which is the sexist thing on the planet), but it also increases libido and stamina. Need we say more?
WATER YOUR OWN GRASS

After the three-year mark, most relationships begin the phase of what it means to “have to work on it.” At this point, some people begin to wonder what else is out there. What else is out there is more than likely another lust-filled romance that will also hit a three-year mark that demands that you dig deeper to find a sense of true intimacy. You can either wash, rinse, repeat, and do the same cycle for the rest of your life, or you can invest in what you already have. The good thing is that what you pay attention to changes in quality. So don’t pay attention to the imaginary grass that’s greener, pay attention to the love you already have. Ask yourself every day, how can I make the grass I already have really, really green? By improving the quality of your questions, you improve the quality of the answers you can arrive at.
NURTURE NOVELTY

Beyond exploring a sea of sex toys, positions, locations, and previously unspoken fantasies (yes, all valid towards nurturing desire), focus on nurturing novelty outside the bedroom as well. We, as humans, are addicted to novelty. There’s no denying that our quest for new things will never be satiated. Often, especially for women, attraction is psychological–how we relate in terms of perceived power, our desire to surrender, and perceived masculinity in our partner, etc., are all the many factors of attraction that occur in our minds long before our head hits the sheets.  After the initial bodily lusts have been satiated, this psychological component becomes true for men too. Build a sense of novelty by developing different parts of yourself: Cultivate your true passions, learn a new instrument, write the novel you never wrote, or start a new career. When we grow “new” parts of ourselves, our lover gets to experience the gift of novelty once again. When we see our partner in the power of their new talent, nothing is sexier and the desire to conquer this new “other” is born yet again.
 DO IT ANYWAY

Sex can be the most powerful magnet for desire. It’s kind of like the chicken and the egg, we don’t really know what comes first, but it definitely hatches desire. A recent study revealed that the more you make love, the more you can actually feel it. And sometimes, you do have to fake it ’til you make it.